Turns out I'm autistic

After thirty years of being who I am, and feeling like I never quite fit into society, I decided to see a psychologist for the umpteenth time in my life. They ran a battery of tests... and it turned out I'm autistic as hell.

Let me explain.

For as long as I can remember, I've had thoughts and behaviours that always seemed to run against the grain of everyone around me. I figured I was just a bit "special" and didn't dwell on it, but that nagging sense that something was off never fully went away. I couldn't name it, but the little voice was always there, quietly bugging me.

I've seen several psychologists over the years, and they all landed on the same conclusion: I just had anxiety and a touch of depression from childhood trauma (which, sure, can coexist with being autistic, but still). Not one of them gave me a convincing explanation for the way I related to myself and to others.

And there was more. I don't like eye contact. I can't stand small talk. I hate physical contact, the hand on the shoulder, the obligatory handshake or double kiss. I get frustrated and irritated with alarming ease. On their own, none of these might stand out, but stack them all together and the alarm bells start ringing.

I started seeing my current therapist not long ago, and she told me that what I was describing lined up with an autism diagnosis, and that they'd run a series of tests followed by a full assessment. Strangely, when she said it, no alarm went off in my head. I just thought, "okay, sure, why not." I got home after that first session and started reading up on autism traits in adults.

And I broke down crying.

Not from sadness, not from relief, but from sheer frustration. The answer was staring me in the face. Everything I felt, the way I am, all my quirks, it all fit what's known as "late-diagnosed autism." It gutted me to realise how obvious it had been, and that nobody had ever caught it. Not the school system when I was a kid, not any of my previous therapists. I felt so much anger. And, at the same time, a strange curiosity to learn more.

After the full assessment, the tests, and a month of waiting while they analysed the results and cross-referenced them with the sessions, I got my answer. As the title says: I'm autistic.

Autism Spectrum Disorder means processing things, and seeing the world, in a fundamentally different way. In my case it carries no cognitive impact, but it very much shapes the social and emotional side of things.

Oh, and it also turned out I'm gifted. How about that.

So, after all of it... I finally have answers, and I'm starting to live a whole lot more comfortably in my own skin.

Cheers, and look after your mental health!